Hipsters Broke Her/His/Ze Gaydar

Increasingly, it’s getting harder to distinguish culture-related opinion pieces in the NYT from Onion parodies. Today, we have “Hipsters Broke My Gaydar” by Krista Burton. Her piece starts with a triggering:

CHICAGO — At a holiday crafts fair, a cute woman with a half-shaved head and a septum piercing pushed a tin toward me. “Smell this — it smells awesome,” she said, smiling. People brushed past me; the sun lit the woman’s head like a halo.

I reached for the tin, which had an image of a mustache on it. Our fingers touched, and I noticed a tattoo of the “female” symbol on her wrist.

“If your boyfriend has any facial hair,” she said, “this’ll make his face less scratchy for you!”

The tin held $14 beard pomade. I blinked, startled; I don’t have a boyfriend. If she casually assumed I was straight, that means she probably isn’t queer. But … how?

Uh-oh. Where to point one’s SJW wrath after an incident like this?

I backed away from her table. I was surrounded by strangers; I’d lost my way. I used to have a talent, but now it’s gone, vanished, like a beautiful dream I can’t remember.

I once had wonderful, startlingly accurate gaydar. I spent years writing a humor blog about the topic to educate fellow queers. Now I can’t always tell right away. It’s ruining my life.

In cities, trendy young people — queer and straight, male, female and non-binary — are blending together, look-wise. That’s because mainstream style is now hipster style. But here’s the thing: Hipster style is just queer style, particularly queer women’s style.

Put another way: Lesbians invented hipsters.

Alrighty, then.

The ‘humorist’ Burton then begins to stereotype the one group that, in Progressive Land, it’s okay to make fun of: straight white people!

If you’re a queer bristling at my generalizations of lesbians, tell me you don’t know any gays who look like what I’m describing. Look me in the eyes and tell me this, and if you can do it, I swear to you I will do something straight for a week: I’ll watch “The Bachelor” without irony, or wear Dockers, or buy a “Live, Laugh, Love” throw pillow and display it in my home.

Now you straight people carry your own reusable bags back to your Prius after comparing artisanal brands of sriracha mayonnaise. That is super gay. You voted for Hillary Clinton, you freak out if someone throws plastic in your compost bin and you’re considering a week without eating meat — would it be so bad?

You’re all lesbians now, America.

And since the alternative is an endless stream of ballerina flats and Michael Kors handbags, or cargo khaki shorts with hairy toes in flip-flops on the morning train — a straight, alternate universe/hellscape with no way out — I say you’re welcome.

With the P.C. bubble finally deflating, from strategically placed pin-pricks by Mr. T, what does the Left do? They quadruple down on their absurdities.

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